When "I Can't Say For Certain" Changes Everything

                                    

 

The only certainty in life is that, one day, we will die.  Everything else we imagine about what might happen in the future is uncertain.

Yet so many of us spend an enormous amount of time worrying about what might happen that we miss what is actually happening. We aren't fully present. We aren't experiencing or appreciating our day-to-day lives and all that they have to offer because our attention is constantly being pulled into an imagined future.

Fear of the future is real. Many people live in a near-constant state of stress and anxiety and with so much uncertainty in the world, that fear can feel even more intense.

The challenge is that these emotional states can trigger a stress response in the body. When the brain perceives a threat, it responds in an effort to protect us and keep us safe. And when we repeatedly focus on frightening thoughts, our bodies respond as though the threat is happening right now.

Let that sink in.

If you are constantly worrying that something terrible might happen to you or someone you love, your brain is responding to the perceived threat in the present moment even though nothing has actually happened. Your body doesn't need to wait for the feared event to occur before it reacts. The thought itself can activate the stress response.

And when the threat exists only in your mind, that response isn't helping you deal with an actual danger. There is no emergency happening in this moment. Nothing bad has occurred. The fear is being generated by your thoughts about what could happen.

This is why becoming aware of your thoughts, and noticing the effect they have on you, is so important.

Just because you think something doesn't mean it's true.

In fact, almost nothing we imagine about the future can be known with 100% certainty. That can be incredibly good news because if we can't know with certainty that something bad will happen, it leaves the door of possibility open for what could happen.

That is where choice comes in.

We can continue viewing the future through a lens of fear, even though we don't actually know what will happen. Or, we can begin choosing thoughts that feel better and create more possibility, relief, and emotional freedom.

Sometimes, though, that's easier said than done.

For some people, simply telling themselves, "Everything is going to be okay," or imagining a wonderful future feels completely unrealistic. It doesn't resonate and can actually feel like another lie they're being asked to tell themselves.

If that's where you are, don't force yourself to make a giant leap into a belief you don't yet feel.

Instead, take one small step.

When you notice yourself making a fearful prediction about the future, add this qualifier:

"...but I can't say, with 100% certainty, that it's true for me."

For example, maybe you're afraid you'll never find a good partner because your past relationships haven't worked out.  Allow yourself to acknowledge the fear and then add the qualifier:

"I'm afraid I'll never find a good guy, but I can't say, with 100% certainty, that it's true for me."

Notice what just happened.

The energy in the statement changed because you went from certainty that you won't find a good guy to acknowledging that you simply can't say for certain that you won't.  This leaves room for the possibility that it might happen. You allowed yourself to recognize that maybe your belief isn't 100% true and you did it in a small step. You didn't have to jump from "It will never happen" to "It absolutely will happen."

For someone who has been stuck in fear, creating a little space between yourself and the belief can bring relief.  You may not be ready to believe that you'll definitely find the right person, but you may be able to accept that you can't know for certain that you won't.

And that's enough to begin.

The next step is to look for evidence that supports the qualifier.

Ask yourself: Is this thought actually true 100% of the time?

Using the example above, is it really true that there are no good men in the world?  

Look for evidence that contradicts the belief.

Who are the good men you already know? Maybe it's a family member, a neighbor, a colleague, a friend, or even someone who showed you a simple act of kindness, like holding a door open.  These are all good men so if they are here, there are others that you just haven't met yet. 

You don't have to prove that your ideal future is guaranteed, you simply need to find evidence that your limiting belief isn't an absolute truth. This is because once you create doubt around a limiting belief, you create room for something new and that room is where change can begin.  

Understanding the relationship between our thoughts, emotions, words, and the body's stress response is an important part of supporting both emotional and physical well-being.   If you're repeatedly telling yourself something that feels awful, pay attention. If you look, you will find a limiting belief underneath those words that needs to be acknowledged, not ignored or covered up with a positive statement that you don't actually believe.

The goal isn't to say something that sounds positive.

The goal is to find a thought that FEELS more true, more supportive, and more empowering.

Thinking, "I'm never going to find a good guy" doesn't feel good, but saying, "I can't say, for sure, that I won't find a good guy" creates a little more possibility. It feels different in your body.

And that's important.

You don't have to jump from "It's never going to happen" to "I know it's definitely going to happen."

Take the next believable step. Then take another. And another.

Eventually, you will reach a place where you can say, "I will find a good guy," and instead of forcing yourself to believe it, you actually feel it.

That's the difference between simply repeating an affirmation and embodying a new belief.  Affirmations are most powerful when you can connect with the feeling behind the words. If you're saying one thing while your entire body is screaming the opposite, the statement will not yield the results you're looking for.

That's okay, though. Start where you are and choose the thought that feels just a little better. Give yourself permission to question the belief that is keeping you stuck and look for evidence that it isn't an absolute truth. This creates a little space for possibility and possibility is the fertile soil that helps desires grow.