Finding the Approval You're Looking For

                                                

It's human nature to want to feel accepted, understood, and validated by the people around us. We want to know that we're doing a good job, making good choices, and being seen in a positive light.

But here's the truth: approval from outside of yourself is impossible to truly receive.  Why? Because every person experiences the world through the lens of their own beliefs, experiences, values, and perceptions.

Let's look at an example.

I have a daughter with unique needs, so the special-needs community holds a special place in my heart. I believe that people with special needs deserve the same opportunities, respect, experiences, and access to life as anyone else. Because I hold that belief, I naturally feel connected to people who share it.

On the other hand, when I see someone treating a person with special needs in a way that I perceive as disrespectful or unfair, I may immediately feel anger toward that person. I might decide that one person is "good" and another is "bad."

But what am I really judging?

I'm judging their behavior through my own belief system.  I don't actually know who that person is at their core. I don't know their history, experiences, fears, motivations, or the beliefs that led them to behave the way they did. I am simply interpreting what I see through my own lens.  In other words, what I believe about them tells me more about me than it does about them. 

Here's another example.

Imagine someone who is incredibly compassionate toward people with special needs but keeps their dog leashed to a tree in the backyard. The dog has food, water, and shelter, but isn't treated as part of the family and receives little attention or companionship.

I might look at that situation and think, How can this person be so compassionate toward a human being with special needs while allowing their dog to live this way? I may admire this person for one of their beliefs while judging them harshly for another.  But there are not two separate people, it's one person.  It's just that the way I interpret their behavior to their dog conflicts with a belief I have while the interpretation of their behavior towards the special needs person aligns with a different belief I have. 

 

This happens constantly. We have countless beliefs about how people should behave, how families should function, how children should be raised, how animals should be treated, what makes someone successful, what makes someone kind, what makes someone responsible, and what makes someone "good." And we're constantly comparing the people around us to those beliefs.

When someone aligns with our beliefs, we tend to feel comfortable with them. When they don't, we may feel uncomfortable, frustrated, threatened, or even angry. That doesn't necessarily mean we can't get along with someone who thinks differently. It simply means that their behavior may activate something within us because it conflicts with what we believe to be true.

Which brings me back to the original idea:  Approval from sources outside of yourself is impossible to attain because every time you are viewed by someone, it's always through the lens of their own beliefs.  It has NOTHING to do with you.

Let's imagine you're a new teacher, and your principal and assistant principal are observing you for your yearly evaluation. You know the observation is coming, so you prepare carefully. You plan your lesson around everything you believe your evaluators will be looking for. The day arrives, and you teach your lesson while both administrators watch and take notes. You feel confident. You believe you did a good job, and you're looking forward to seeing how you were rated.

Then you sit down for your post-observation meeting. One evaluator praises your performance and rates you as meeting the standard in most categories, even exceeding the standard in one. The other evaluator agrees that you met the standard in some areas but rates you below standard in others. You're confused. How can two people observe the exact same lesson, use the exact same rubric, and come away with different evaluations?

Because they're human.

Each evaluator is interpreting what they saw through their own individual belief system, experiences, expectations, and perceptions. Their brains are processing the same information differently. Perhaps one evaluator sees something in you that reminds them of themselves in a positive way. Perhaps the other sees something that reminds them of an experience they had in a negative way. Maybe one values a particular teaching style while the other values something completely different.

The lesson itself was neutral.  You taught the lesson. They interpreted it.  A well-designed rubric can create consistency and provide objective criteria, but it can never completely eliminate human interpretation. Two people can look at the same behavior and assign two different meanings to it.

And here's where it gets really interesting: The teacher still gets to decide what the evaluation means.

She could interpret the "below standard" comments as a personal attack. She could decide that she's a terrible teacher, that her administrators don't like her, or that she's not good enough. Or she could look at the same evaluation and think, There are areas where I can improve.

The evaluation itself is simply information, the meaning she assigns to that information determines her emotional response.

This doesn't mean we should ignore feedback or pretend that other people's opinions don't matter. In the real world, they sometimes matter very much. If your job requires you to meet certain standards, dismissing your supervisor's evaluation as "just their opinion" could have serious consequences. The point isn't to disregard other people's perceptions. The point is to see them for what they are and recognize what they are not.

They are perceptions.

They are interpretations.

They are opinions filtered through another person's experiences and beliefs.

When someone tells you that you did a great job, it feels good. When someone tells you that you didn't, it can hurt. That's human nature. We naturally seek validation from the people around us.  But when you receive praise, remember what it is: one person's perception of you based on their individual lens. And when you receive criticism, remember the same thing.

Neither one defines you.

Everyone you encounter is walking through life with their own lens. They are interpreting your words, your actions, your choices, and your personality through a belief system that belongs to them. That's why the same person can be deeply admired by one person and disliked by another.

The person didn't change in that moment. The lens did.

You cannot control how someone else perceives you because you cannot control the beliefs through which they perceive the world. That's why seeking approval from others is ultimately a losing game. If you build your sense of worth around how other people see you, you'll constantly be at the mercy of their changing perceptions.

Instead, learn to give yourself the approval you're looking for. Know who you are. Know what you value. Know what you're working toward. Be willing to listen to feedback without allowing it to define you. Take what is useful, leave what isn't, and keep growing.  Because at the end of the day, other people's perceptions of you are about them, not you.

You are responsible for your actions, your choices, and the person you are becoming. You are not responsible for the lens through which someone else chooses to see you.

The only person who truly knows you is you. Learning to give yourself what you need is critical because the approval you're looking for from everyone else will always be filtered through their world. The approval you give yourself comes from yours!

Stop Looking in the Bathroom for What’s in the Kitchen

                                                        

The way you see the world is a reflection of what's happening within you, your dominant emotional state.

Every human being carries an energetic frequency that influences what we notice, what we experience, and how we interpret the experiences that come our way. Our thoughts create emotions, but our deeper beliefs often determine the emotional frequency we return to again and again.  They dictate our emotional go-to, if you will.

If you believe you aren't worthy, that things will never work out for you, that people can't be trusted, that money corrupts, or that there is no hope, those beliefs become the lens through which you experience life. They influence what you notice and what you interpret as evidence of what you already believe.

Think of it like the beacon at the top of a lighthouse. The light reaches across the ocean, helping ships recognize that land is near. In a similar way, your energetic state acts like a beacon, illuminating certain aspects of the world around you. When you're feeling sad, for example, your attention naturally gravitates toward things that reinforce that sadness. You may notice rejection, disappointment, problems, or reminders of what isn't working. It's not necessarily that these things weren't there before. Your emotional state has simply made them more visible.

This is why the saying, "The Universe doesn't give you what you want, it gives you who you are," can be so powerful. If who you are in the moment is dominated by fear, lack, or doubt, you're likely to perceive and respond to life from that place.

Think of it like a radio station. If you want to listen to a particular type of music, you have to tune your radio to the right frequency. You can't expect to hear your favorite song while tuned to an entirely different station.

The same principle applies to the life you desire.

If you want something that you believe will bring you happiness, the goal isn't simply to think about having it. It's to begin connecting with the feeling of already being aligned with that possibility. What would it feel like in your body to know that it is possible? What emotions would you experience? What would you believe about yourself if you trusted that it could happen? Who would you be with what you desire?

This is where we often sabotage ourselves.

We may think about what we want and even feel excited about it, but underneath that excitement is a stronger belief that it will never happen. That underlying, stronger, belief becomes the dominant signal. And when that happens, we may miss the signs, opportunities, next steps, or people that could help us move forward.

Imagine you're hungry and want something to eat, but you're searching for food in the bathroom. You're not going to find what you're looking for.  Not because food doesn't exist, but because you're looking in the wrong place.  There is food in the kitchen. But you can't see it from the bathroom. The moment you walk into the kitchen, your options become obvious. You can see what's available and choose what you want.

This is how our emotional state works.

The frequency we're operating from influences what we're able to notice and what possibilities we're available to recognize. When we're consumed by emotions that don't feel good, we view the world through a lens that continually confirms those emotions.

Take the example of someone who is worried about their financial situation. They're focused on the fact that they don't have the money they want. Their job doesn't pay enough. They're in debt. They tell themselves, "I'm never going to get out of this." This thought creates fear, and fear becomes the emotional state from which they're viewing life. Their attention then becomes focused on everything that reinforces the problem: the bills that need to be paid, the bank balance that isn't where they want it to be, the invitations they can't afford to accept, and every reminder of what they don't have.

But what if there are solutions they aren't seeing because they aren't looking in the right direction?

Perhaps there is another job that would be a better fit. Maybe someone they haven't considered could connect them with an opportunity. Perhaps there is an idea they've dismissed that could eventually become a new source of income. The possibilities may be there, but when you're operating from intense fear and lack, you are not emotionally available to recognize them. You're in the metaphorical bathroom looking for food instead of being in the kitchen where the possibilities are visible.

The goal, then, isn't to pretend your problems don't exist. It's to shift your internal state so that you're able to see and respond to those problems differently.

When your emotional state changes, your perception changes. And when your perception changes, the actions you take and the possibilities you recognize can change with it.

Three Foundations for Shifting Your Energy

There are three foundational things you need to begin changing your emotional state:

1. Awareness

First, recognize what you're feeling without judging yourself for feeling it.

For example:
"I'm feeling fearful about my financial situation."

You can't consciously shift something you're unwilling to acknowledge.

2. Desire

Next, become clear that you want to experience something different.

"I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to feel more hopeful, supported, and open to possibilities."

3. Willingness

Finally, be willing to use the tools available to you to create that shift.

"I'm willing to feel what I'm feeling, identify the belief underneath it, and consciously choose a different perspective."

This is where transformation begins.

Shifting your emotional state often begins with changing the story you're telling yourself.  Many of the beliefs we hold about money, relationships, success, ourselves, and the future are simply stories we've repeated enough times that they feel like facts. If a story consistently makes you feel powerless, hopeless, or afraid, you have the opportunity to question it.

Instead of saying:

"I'm never going to get out of debt."

Try:

"I am being shown how to get out of debt."

Notice the difference.

The second statement doesn't require you to pretend you're already debt-free. It doesn't ask you to believe something that feels completely untrue. Instead, it creates space for possibility.  Since  your brain is constantly looking for evidence to support what you focus on, changing the question you're asking can change what you begin to notice.

Instead of searching for evidence that you're stuck, your brain begins looking for evidence of a way forward. This is why language matters so much. When you're shifting your internal dialogue, choose words that create curiosity rather than resistance.

The statement, "The way is being shown to me," invites you to become curious about how the way might appear.  It feels very different from "I'm never getting out of this." And it may feel more believable than saying "I'm completely out of debt," when part of you doesn't believe it yet.

You aren't pretending. You're consciously choosing a thought that creates a different emotional response and that emotional shift matters. When you move from fear toward curiosity, hope, possibility, or trust, you begin operating from a different internal state. That different state can change what you notice, how you interpret circumstances, the decisions you make, and the actions you're willing to take.

In the financial example, shifting from "I'm never going to get out of this" to "I am being shown how to get out of this"opens your attention to possibilities you may have previously overlooked.

You may notice an opportunity.

You may have a conversation that leads somewhere unexpected.

You may become willing to take an action you wouldn't have considered before.

You may finally recognize an answer that was there all along.

The world around you hasn't necessarily changed but because your beacon has changed, you're shining that light in a different direction so you're able to see things that were previously outside your field of awareness.

The key isn't to force yourself to feel positive all the time. It's to become conscious of the emotional state you're living from, question the beliefs creating it, and intentionally choose thoughts that move you toward a better-feeling state. When you change the frequency you're operating from, you change the lens through which you experience your life.

Sometimes, the answer isn't that the path suddenly appeared. It's that you finally became able to see what was there all along.

When "I Can't Say For Certain" Changes Everything

                                    

 

The only certainty in life is that, one day, we will die.  Everything else we imagine about what might happen in the future is uncertain.

Yet so many of us spend an enormous amount of time worrying about what might happen that we miss what is actually happening. We aren't fully present. We aren't experiencing or appreciating our day-to-day lives and all that they have to offer because our attention is constantly being pulled into an imagined future.

Fear of the future is real. Many people live in a near-constant state of stress and anxiety and with so much uncertainty in the world, that fear can feel even more intense.

The challenge is that these emotional states can trigger a stress response in the body. When the brain perceives a threat, it responds in an effort to protect us and keep us safe. And when we repeatedly focus on frightening thoughts, our bodies respond as though the threat is happening right now.

Let that sink in.

If you are constantly worrying that something terrible might happen to you or someone you love, your brain is responding to the perceived threat in the present moment even though nothing has actually happened. Your body doesn't need to wait for the feared event to occur before it reacts. The thought itself can activate the stress response.

And when the threat exists only in your mind, that response isn't helping you deal with an actual danger. There is no emergency happening in this moment. Nothing bad has occurred. The fear is being generated by your thoughts about what could happen.

This is why becoming aware of your thoughts, and noticing the effect they have on you, is so important.

Just because you think something doesn't mean it's true.

In fact, almost nothing we imagine about the future can be known with 100% certainty. That can be incredibly good news because if we can't know with certainty that something bad will happen, it leaves the door of possibility open for what could happen.

That is where choice comes in.

We can continue viewing the future through a lens of fear, even though we don't actually know what will happen. Or, we can begin choosing thoughts that feel better and create more possibility, relief, and emotional freedom.

Sometimes, though, that's easier said than done.

For some people, simply telling themselves, "Everything is going to be okay," or imagining a wonderful future feels completely unrealistic. It doesn't resonate and can actually feel like another lie they're being asked to tell themselves.

If that's where you are, don't force yourself to make a giant leap into a belief you don't yet feel.

Instead, take one small step.

When you notice yourself making a fearful prediction about the future, add this qualifier:

"...but I can't say, with 100% certainty, that it's true for me."

For example, maybe you're afraid you'll never find a good partner because your past relationships haven't worked out.  Allow yourself to acknowledge the fear and then add the qualifier:

"I'm afraid I'll never find a good guy, but I can't say, with 100% certainty, that it's true for me."

Notice what just happened.

The energy in the statement changed because you went from certainty that you won't find a good guy to acknowledging that you simply can't say for certain that you won't.  This leaves room for the possibility that it might happen. You allowed yourself to recognize that maybe your belief isn't 100% true and you did it in a small step. You didn't have to jump from "It will never happen" to "It absolutely will happen."

For someone who has been stuck in fear, creating a little space between yourself and the belief can bring relief.  You may not be ready to believe that you'll definitely find the right person, but you may be able to accept that you can't know for certain that you won't.

And that's enough to begin.

The next step is to look for evidence that supports the qualifier.

Ask yourself: Is this thought actually true 100% of the time?

Using the example above, is it really true that there are no good men in the world?  

Look for evidence that contradicts the belief.

Who are the good men you already know? Maybe it's a family member, a neighbor, a colleague, a friend, or even someone who showed you a simple act of kindness, like holding a door open.  These are all good men so if they are here, there are others that you just haven't met yet. 

You don't have to prove that your ideal future is guaranteed, you simply need to find evidence that your limiting belief isn't an absolute truth. This is because once you create doubt around a limiting belief, you create room for something new and that room is where change can begin.  

Understanding the relationship between our thoughts, emotions, words, and the body's stress response is an important part of supporting both emotional and physical well-being.   If you're repeatedly telling yourself something that feels awful, pay attention. If you look, you will find a limiting belief underneath those words that needs to be acknowledged, not ignored or covered up with a positive statement that you don't actually believe.

The goal isn't to say something that sounds positive.

The goal is to find a thought that FEELS more true, more supportive, and more empowering.

Thinking, "I'm never going to find a good guy" doesn't feel good, but saying, "I can't say, for sure, that I won't find a good guy" creates a little more possibility. It feels different in your body.

And that's important.

You don't have to jump from "It's never going to happen" to "I know it's definitely going to happen."

Take the next believable step. Then take another. And another.

Eventually, you will reach a place where you can say, "I will find a good guy," and instead of forcing yourself to believe it, you actually feel it.

That's the difference between simply repeating an affirmation and embodying a new belief.  Affirmations are most powerful when you can connect with the feeling behind the words. If you're saying one thing while your entire body is screaming the opposite, the statement will not yield the results you're looking for.

That's okay, though. Start where you are and choose the thought that feels just a little better. Give yourself permission to question the belief that is keeping you stuck and look for evidence that it isn't an absolute truth. This creates a little space for possibility and possibility is the fertile soil that helps desires grow.

The Door Has Always Been Open

                                            

I've written often about limiting beliefs, the stories we tell ourselves about our experiences that shape how we think, feel, and respond to the world. These stories can activate emotions like fear, doubt, and anxiety, often without us even realizing it.

I'd like to explore those beliefs through a metaphor.

Imagine a beautiful bird living in a cage. It's well cared for. It has food, fresh water, a clean home, and protection from predators. By many standards, it has a good life. It's safe.

But is safety the same as freedom?

While the bird's needs are being met, there's so much it's missing. It can't soar through the sky, forage for its own food, or experience the world it was created to explore. It can't join a flock or follow its instincts. It exists but it doesn't truly live as a bird was meant to live.

Does the bird long for those experiences? We can't know. Perhaps it's content where it is. Perhaps it has never known anything different.

In many ways, we are no different.

We build cages of our own, not from metal bars, but from the beliefs we carry about ourselves. Thoughts like I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'll never succeed, or It's too late for me quietly define the boundaries of our lives. These stories convince us to play it safe, avoid risks, and settle for less than we're capable of because we're afraid of failing, being rejected, or getting hurt.

Over time, the cage becomes so familiar that we mistake it for reality.

Here's the difference between the bird and us:

Our cage has the door wide open.

The challenge isn't escaping, it is realizing we've been free to leave all along.

This is where understanding our emotions becomes so powerful. Our emotions act like a compass, pointing us toward the beliefs that are keeping us confined. When fear, shame, or self-doubt arise, they're often revealing a story we've accepted as truth. Once we recognize that story, we have the opportunity to question it, rewrite it, and choose one that better supports us.

I understand why those cages exist. Most were built when we were children as a way to protect ourselves. They helped us make sense of difficult experiences and avoid pain. They served a purpose.

The problem is that many of us continue living inside those same cages long after we've outgrown them. We assume they're permanent simply because they've always been there.

But they're not.

When we begin to trust ourselves more than our fear, we discover that life exists beyond the cage. We become willing to take risks, embrace uncertainty, and experience possibilities we never imagined.

Freedom doesn't come from eliminating fear. It comes from recognizing that fear doesn't have to decide where you live.

A Practice to Try

The next time you notice yourself thinking, I can't, I'm not enough, or What if I fail? pause for a moment.

Visualize a cage surrounding you. Notice how that belief is keeping you confined, preventing you from becoming who you want to be or pursuing what matters most.

Now imagine the cage door swinging open.

Picture yourself stepping through it. Feel yourself standing tall, breathing deeply, and embracing emotions like curiosity, courage, confidence, and possibility. Spend a few moments there.

When you shift your emotional state, you begin to shift your perspective. And when your perspective changes, new ideas, solutions, and opportunities become visible.

The door has always been open.

The question is: Are you ready to step through it?