What Am I Making This Mean?

                                                        

 

A few years ago, I came to understand something in a new way and it has been life-changing because it transformed the way I view circumstances I encounter.  When I am confronted with a situation that evokes emotions that are uncomfortable such as fear, anger, frustration, guilt, and shame, I stop myself and ask one question: What am I making this mean?

That simple question has been a game changer!  

Here's why.

Every experience is neutral, we give it meaning and the meaning we give it is based on the beliefs we have.  This is why two people can experience the same exact thing but perceive it in two different ways.  

Imagine you and I are sitting in a restaurant having lunch. A couple at the next table begins raising their voices. I notice it immediately and ask if you heard what's happening.

You hadn't even noticed and, after listening for a moment, you shrug and say it doesn't seem like a big deal.

Meanwhile, my heart starts racing. I feel anxious and have the urge to leave.

We're experiencing the exact same situation, yet our responses couldn't be more different.

Why?

Perhaps I grew up in a home where raised voices always led to violence. My nervous system learned that yelling meant danger. You may not have had that experience, so your brain doesn't interpret raised voices as threatening.

The situation itself isn't creating my fear. The meaning my mind has attached to it is.

This applies to every experience we have whether it's something someone says, a thought that pops into our mind, a news story, a television show, or an interaction with another person.

If you're having an emotional response that doesn't feel good, it's worth asking: What am I making this mean?  What story am I telling myself about this situation?   

If the story you are telling creates emotions that don't feel good,  a limiting belief has been activated.  Whenever you feel any emotion that has a low frequency to its vibration (anger, fear, frustration, anxiety, guilt, shame, etc) a limiting belief has been activated and is influencing your response. It's an alarm letting you know there is a belief within you that isn't supporting you.

Going back to the restaurant example, the part of me reacting isn't my adult self. It's the younger version of me who learned that yelling meant I needed to protect myself. Maybe running away was how I stayed safe as a child, so that's still the go-to response of my nervous system.

But I'm no longer that child.

My job now is to recognize what's happening, comfort that younger version of myself, and remind her that she's safe. Once she feels safe, my nervous system settles, and I can simply enjoy my meal without feeling like I'm in danger because someone nearby raised their voice.

This is the work.

What can you do? 

The key is to be aware that there's been a change in how you feel.  Then you can identify and shift the belief that is causing the response. 

In my restaurant example, I might realize I'm making the raised voices mean that a fight is about to happen and that I'm not safe.

Once I recognize the story I'm telling myself, I can gently remind myself, "I'm an adult now. I'm safe. I can handle whatever happens."

That reassurance calms my nervous system and allows the fight-or-flight response to settle. Instead of reacting from a frightened child, I'm responding from the capable, grounded adult I am today.

I also recognize that if I didn't carry the belief that raised voices lead to danger, the situation at the next table wouldn't affect me at all.

Again, the experience itself is neutral.  We give it meaning and the meaning we give it is shaped by our beliefs.  Supportive beliefs create feelings of peace, confidence, and safety. Those are the beliefs we want guiding our responses.  Limiting beliefs create fear, shame, anger, anxiety, and frustration. Those are the beliefs we want to shift so they no longer guide our responses.

Think about a time when you were with someone who reacted strongly to something that didn't bother you in the slightest. Maybe you wondered, "Why are they reacting like that?"

The answer isn't that something is wrong with them.  They simply have a belief that was activated; one you don't share.

The same is true when we're the ones reacting.  Our emotional response isn't proof that the situation is bad. It's information. It's showing us where an old belief is still influencing how we interpret the world.

So the next time you notice an emotion that doesn't feel good, don't immediately blame the circumstance or another person.

Pause and ask yourself: "What am I making this mean?"

That question shifts your attention from what's happening outside of you to what's happening within you.

No one else is responsible for your emotional response.  If someone's words deeply affect you, it's because they've activated a belief that's already there.

The good news is that every trigger/activation is also an opportunity. An opportunity to become aware of a limiting belief, to question whether it's still true, and replace it with a belief that better supports the person you're becoming.

Do that consistently and, over time, you'll notice something remarkable: The situations around you may not change but your experience of them will!

The Day You Realize You Don't Have to Say Yes

                          

One of the most damaging messages many people receive while growing up is the belief that loving yourself, celebrating your accomplishments, or thinking highly of yourself is somehow conceited. As children, most of us naturally seek recognition and approval from the adults around us. When we perform well in school, excel in sports, or master a new skill, we often look to parents, teachers, and other adults for validation.

When adults acknowledge a child's efforts by offering praise and encouragement, it can help build confidence and self-esteem. There is certainly value in recognizing hard work and achievement. However, when self-worth becomes too closely tied to external approval, it can create limiting beliefs that get carried into adulthood.

Some children grow up believing that their value depends on what others think of them. Rather than learning to feel proud of themselves for their own efforts and accomplishments, they become dependent on praise and validation from those around them. As adults, they may continue seeking approval from others, and when that approval is absent, their sense of self-worth suffers.

I witnessed this dynamic frequently during my years as a middle school teacher. At ages 12 and 13, peer relationships often take priority in a child's life. Most middle school students don't want to stand out; they want to belong. Their goal is often to find a group that accepts them and provides a sense of validation.

In many cases, students gravitate toward the "popular" crowd, even when they have little in common with the members of that group. The desire for acceptance can lead them to behave in ways that don't align with who they truly are. While this is a normal part of adolescent development, it can become problematic when the need for approval continues into adulthood. In many cases, it becomes the foundation for people-pleasing behaviors.

When individuals lack a strong sense of self-worth or believe they are not good enough, they often seek validation externally. If they view self-appreciation as arrogant or selfish, they may rely on the praise and approval of others to feel valued. As a result, they work hard to earn applause and recognition, even when doing so leaves them emotionally, mentally, or physically depleted.

People-pleasers often say yes when they want to say no. They take on more responsibilities than they can reasonably handle and become the person everyone turns to for help. At work, they are the employees managers rely on to take on additional tasks. In their personal lives, they are frequently asked for favors because others know they rarely say no. The fear of disappointing someone or being viewed negatively keeps them trapped in patterns that no longer support them.

Over time, many people-pleasers become exhausted emotionally and physically. They are tired of prioritizing everyone else's needs above their own and wish they could establish healthier boundaries. Yet many struggle to do so because they have spent years defining themselves through their ability to meet the needs of others.

If any of this sounds familiar, change is possible.

The first step is identifying the limiting beliefs that drive your need to please others. Perhaps you believe your worth depends on being helpful, or that saying no will cause others to reject or judge you. Bringing these beliefs into awareness is essential.

The second step is developing a genuine desire to change. While this may sound simple, it is often one of the most challenging parts of the process. For many people, being the dependable "yes person" has become part of their identity. The idea of prioritizing themselves can feel uncomfortable and unattainable.

Once you are ready to make a change, begin with small, manageable steps. Practice saying no in situations that feel relatively low-risk. Perhaps you choose takeout one night instead of cooking dinner, or purchase a treat for a bake sale instead of spending hours baking. You're still contributing, but you're doing so in a way that honors your time and energy.

Small changes build confidence. As you experience the empowerment that comes from setting boundaries, you'll gradually become more comfortable protecting your time, energy, and well-being. Over time, you'll learn to make decisions based on what feels aligned with your values rather than what earns approval from others. Eventually, your yes will come from a place of genuine desire and abundance not from obligation, guilt, or fear.

Learning to Trust Again Starts Within

When there is self-trust, trust in others comes much easier.  After my divorce, I didn't trust men.  I transferred my feelings about my ex-husband onto every man in the world.  They were all bad.  They were all going to hurt me.  I couldn't rely on any of them.  It was a blanket mistrust.  This response was fueled by the fear I had of being hurt.  The truth is, however, that it wasn't really them I didn't trust; it was myself.  

Blanket statements about any group in society are alarms that need your attention.  There is no such thing as all people fitting into any box because we all have different belief systems.  My belief system about relationships, which was cultivated by my experiences, is what made me feel all men were unreliable and destined to hurt me.  

As I began doing my own inner work, I uncovered the limiting beliefs that not only led me to believe all men were bad, but also got to the heart of why I had chosen those relationships in the first place. I started to see how the beliefs I had influenced the patterns in my life. Once I recognized them, I had a choice: continue operating from those limitations or replace them with more empowering beliefs.

Creating space for a healthy relationship required more than simply finding the right person. It required becoming the version of myself capable of recognizing and receiving one.  It started with me and the way I viewed the world. 

It took years before I trusted myself enough to start dating again, but those years were far from wasted.

During that time, I immersed myself in learning about energy, personal growth, and the ways our beliefs shape our experiences. The major breakthroughs didn't happen overnight, but the seeds were being planted. When I was finally ready, those seeds began to grow leading to who I am today.

A lack of trust isn't always a bad thing because not everyone is trust-worthy. What needs to be considered is what's driving your mistrust.  When it's rooted in fear, it's fueled by a limiting belief and that doesn't support you.  When it arises from your intuition, it's fueled by your wisdom and beliefs that do support you.

Initially, after my divorce, my lack of trust was 100% fueled by fear.  Once I unpacked WHY I was attracting who I was into my life, I began to see patterns.  There were similarities between prior relationships that I had never seen before.   Taking ownership of those patterns empowered me to identify and change the beliefs that had made me a magnet for people who repeatedly reinforced my fears and mistrust.

Fear carries a heavy energy that has a low frequency to its vibration. When we move through life afraid of being hurt, we tend to focus on evidence that confirms that fear because what you send out, you bring in.

Since I didn't trust myself to recognize a healthy relationship, that's the frequency I sent out.  I never expected to find a good guy and assumed I'd meet another harmful one so I attracted men that reinforced that fear.  Remember, the Universe gives you who you are and who you are is dictated by your frequency.  In order to experience the reality you desire, you have to become the energetic version that matches that reality.  Living in fear of being hurt is only going to bring in more evidence to support you should be afraid.  I needed to become the trusting version of myself that would recognize and accept a relationship that was supportive. 

I went from doubt to trust by learning how to listen to my intuition.  It took practice, but once I started dating again, I found I could recognize red flags much earlier. Each time I honored my intuition, my confidence grew. That confidence changed how I showed up in the world and opened me to different experiences and healthier connections.

 I also developed a deeper trust that no matter what happened, I would be okay. I looked back on my life I realized I always had been okay. Every challenge I had faced eventually led me to the other side. That realization was incredibly empowering.

When we operate from empowerment rather than fear, we see the world differently. We notice opportunities instead of threats. We become more open to possibilities. That shift in perspective ultimately led me to meet Steve. Had I remained stuck in the belief that all men were bad, I would have missed the opportunity entirely.

Our emotional state influences how we experience life. When we remain immersed in heavy emotions, we tend to view the world through a lens that highlights evidence supporting those feelings. But when we allow ourselves to process those emotions and then intentionally shift our perspective, we begin to notice evidence that life can be supportive, abundant, and meaningful.

One of the simplest ways I've found to create that shift from low frequency emotions to high is through gratitude.

It can be as simple as appreciating a warm cup of coffee, a good friend, or a beautiful sunset. The practice of gratitude changes our focus. It reminds us of what is already working in our lives and helps us reconnect with a sense of possibility.

When gratitude becomes a consistent practice, not just something we think about, but something we genuinely feel, it transforms the way we experience the world. Over time, those small shifts in perspective create remarkable changes in how we think, feel, and live. 

I'm a human being so I will always be a work-in-progress.  From time to time old limiting beliefs resurface and try to pull me back into a state of mistrust. The difference now is that I recognize them when they appear, understand what they are, and use the tools I've developed to shift my perspective and reconnect with beliefs that empower me to trust.

What If Asking for Help Isn't Weakness?

For much of my life, asking for help was something I struggled with. I believed that needing help meant I was weak, and I never wanted to be perceived that way. People who like to be in control often have a hard time asking for support unless they're highly self-aware, and for most of my life, I wasn't.

I've always valued being able to take care of myself, and I still do. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. In fact, I believe it's a strength. Whenever Steve is fixing something or handling a task that I know I can do, I ask him to show me how to do it rather than simply doing it for me. In my head I'm thinking I want to know how in case he's not around. At its core, that desire comes from wanting to be self-sufficient but it's also driven by fear.  Fear of being alone and not trusting I would be able to take care of myself. 

It's natural to want the skills and confidence to care for yourself if you ever find yourself alone. The difference is self-sufficiency doesn't have to mean doing everything alone. I can be capable and independent while also knowing that help is available when I need it. I'll be okay, even if I don't know how to do something.  I've learned to trust I am always supported and will be okay no matter what.  

It took me a long time to develop that trust because my life experiences had taught me a very different lesson.

For most of my adult life, I attracted men who needed support and weren't particularly reliable. I was the strong one. I was the one who got things done. I was the dependable one. As a result, I reinforced the belief that asking for help was a sign of weakness. Looking back, it's no surprise that I kept attracting people who needed rescuing. My energy and beliefs made me a magnet for that type of man.

As I became aware of the limiting beliefs that influenced my relationships, I began to see things from a different perspective. Even though I wasn't as self-aware then as I am now, I knew that if I wanted my life to change, I had to change what was happening within me. That meant looking in the mirror, taking ownership of my choices, and recognizing the role I had played in creating the patterns I kept experiencing. As I unpacked those beliefs, I slowly learned to trust others enough to let them support me, which eventually made it possible for me to do something that once felt impossible: ask for help.

And there's a difference. Allowing someone to help you is one thing. Asking for help is another.  

I've always been more than willing to help others in need but the thought of putting someone out or imposing on them by helping me gave me hives.  When I met Steve and experienced what it felt like to truly rely on someone, I slowly became more comfortable asking for help with small things. Over time, that expanded into asking for help with bigger things as well.

Ironically, I always told my students and anyone that would listen that asking for help was a sign of strength, not weakness, and I genuinely believed it for them. I just didn't apply that belief to myself.  

After years of working on myself and building my energetic tool box,  I no longer see asking for help as a failure. When I notice that familiar discomfort surface, I recognize it for what it is: an old limiting belief trying to make a comeback. Instead of letting it control me, I use the tools I've learned to process it, shift it, and move forward.

Life has become so much easier since I stopped believing I have to do everything alone. It's refreshing to know there is nothing wrong with needing help and asking for what you need.   The truth is, strength isn't about carrying the entire load by yourself. Sometimes, strength is knowing when to reach out and let others help carry it with you or for you.

Breaking Free from "That's Just the Way I Am"

                                        

 There's a saying: "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." It's a metaphor suggesting that, just as an old dog supposedly can't learn new behaviors, people who are set in their ways can't change either. But that simply isn't true, for dogs or for humans. Just as dogs can learn at any age, people can change and grow throughout their lives. It requires three things: awareness, desire, and willingness.

I've heard people say more times than I can count, "That's just the way I am" or "I was raised this way, and I'll never change." These are examples of limiting beliefs. In a previous blog post, I discussed how beliefs are simply stories we tell ourselves. One of the easiest ways to recognize when a limiting belief is influencing your emotions or behavior is by noticing how it feels. If a thought leaves you feeling uncomfortable, restricted, or unhappy, there's a good chance a limiting belief is at work.

For example, you may have grown up with a parent who worried excessively about every little thing. As children often do, you adopted that behavior and carried it into adulthood. Now you find yourself constantly worrying and overthinking. What began as learned behavior eventually became a habit. Because worry doesn't feel good, it's a signal that a limiting belief may be driving your thoughts and actions.

Another example involves family or cultural traditions. Perhaps your family gathered every Sunday for a large meal. As a child, you watched your grandmother and mother spend hours preparing food, and you were given small tasks to help. Over time, those responsibilities increased until you eventually became the person in charge of hosting and preparing the meal.

Now, every Sunday, you're the one carrying the responsibility. Deep down, you no longer want to do it, yet you continue because you feel guilty. You tell yourself that you can't say no because "it's tradition." In reality, the guilt isn't coming from the tradition itself; it's coming from the belief that honoring the tradition requires sacrificing your own needs and desires.

Over time, that guilt is often joined by resentment. You feel trapped between what you want and what you believe you're obligated to do. You've convinced yourself there is no other option so the burden grows heavier and what was once a meaningful family tradition begins to feel like an obligation.

The good news is who you are today is not who you have to be tomorrow. If there are aspects of yourself or your life you'd like to change, growth is always possible.You have the ability to change, grow, and create new patterns at any point in your life. However, lasting change requires three key ingredients, and not everyone is willing to embrace all of them.

The first ingredient is awareness. You cannot change something you don't recognize. If you're unaware of your thoughts, behaviors, and the impact they have on you, those patterns will continue to run on autopilot. When you notice yourself falling into a habit or way of thinking that no longer supports you, pause and ask yourself a few questions: What am I thinking or doing right now? Is this something I truly want to think or do? How does it make me feel? Is this about me, or am I focusing on someone else's behavior?

These questions help you uncover the beliefs and habits operating beneath the surface. They also serve as a reminder that the only person you have control over is yourself. Trying to change other people is an exhausting and ultimately futile effort that often leads to frustration, resentment, and disappointment.

The second ingredient is desire. You must genuinely want something different. Change doesn't happen simply because it should; it happens because the discomfort of staying the same becomes greater than the discomfort of doing something new. If you're dissatisfied with aspects of your life and feel a desire for something better, you're already moving in the right direction.

The third ingredient is willingness. For many people, this is the most challenging step. You may be fully aware of a habit or belief that is holding you back, and you may deeply desire to change it, yet still resist taking the necessary action. Willingness means being open to the process of change. It means asking for help when you need it, remaining receptive to new perspectives, trying different approaches, and consistently applying the tools and practices that support growth. True transformation doesn't happen because we wish for it, it happens because we're willing to do the work required to create it.

Once you commit to these three pieces of the puzzle, awareness, desire, and willingness, you will begin to see meaningful change take shape. As you experience progress, you'll develop greater trust in both yourself and the process, realizing that it is possible to create new habits and beliefs that support the life you want to live. You do not have to continue thinking, feeling, or behaving a certain way simply because it's what you've always done. Every moment presents an opportunity to choose differently. 

YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE.